Jokes & Funny Pictures

[davem399]

My wife’s a terrible cook, she could kill you with just one chop.

[dorsetmike]

For my birthday my children gave me an alarm clock that swears at me instead of buzzing.

It's a rude awakening.

[Bipolar]

[willien]

Reminds me of one of my best friends. Next door's cat wanting a massage.

[Bipolar]

Did you know that the word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in the dictionary?

[Bipolar]

This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group especially those of us over 65.


A friend had his 3rd dose of the vaccine - the “booster” at a pharmacy, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he did get home, he immediately called the pharmacy for advice about seeing a doctor, or to be hospitalized.The pharmacist told him NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital but to immediately return to the pharmacy and pick up his glasses.

[willien]

Life's the same world over.
This conclusion I have reached.
If a woman's born a lemon.
She can never be a peach.
But the laws of compensation,
is the one I always preach.
You can always squeezec a lemon
ever tried to squeeze a peach?

[Bipolar]

A young ventriloquist is doing the night club scene.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb, blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the beautiful blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

[Bipolar]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[lesleysm2]

Catholic priest is going on a pilgrimage so the diocese have sent a newly ordained priest to cover the parish whilst he's away
As he's about to go the young priest says "Father one thing is worrying me. How will I remember which penances I give for each sin?"
Father hands him a notebook "They're all in there in alphabetical order"
So young priest takes his first confession
First person in the booth says "Forgive me father for I have sinned I had lewd thoughts about a woman"
Young priest flicks through the book and finds "lewd thoughts" and says "Say three hail Marys and sin no more"
Next person says "Forgive me father for I have sinned I said a blasphemous word"
Young priest flicks through the book and finds "Blasphemous words" and says "Six hail Marys and two rosaries and sin no more"
Third person says "Forgive me father for I have sinned I let a woman give me a blow job"
Young priest flicks through the book and there isn't an entry for "blow job" panicking a bit he notices a choirboy walking past the back of the booth so he leans out and whispers "What does the holy farther normally give for a blow job"
And the choirboy replies "Two Mars bars and a bag of crisps"

[lesleysm2]

Dec 17, 2022 12:12:57 GMT MJB said:

My wife decided to steal the hat that I got from the hoof trimming contractor we use. It has a cute cartoon cow on the front and 'Wessex Hoofcare' on the back. Are you going to tell her or should l?

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You tell her before she wears it to work if you don't the customers reactions might be funny but what she'll do to you for not telling her when she gets home will be no joke

[Bipolar]

[Bipolar]

[gray1720]

(meannt to be a reply to Martin's hat post - obviously I'm still abit woozy this morning)
Luckily I'd just put my tea down!

Martin is one of a select few people who'll be amused by the way that LinkedIn keeps suggesting that I'd be interested in the latest jobs at Genus.

[John Farrell]

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