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Post by MJB on Dec 10, 2022 9:27:55 GMT
I bought a new pullover made from acrylic yarn. Unfortunately every time I wear it I get electric shocks. I took it back to the shop where they exchanged it for another, free of charge.
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Post by zou on Dec 10, 2022 9:53:39 GMT
From a Christmas cracker yesterday:
Why do the birds fly south in winter?
It's too far to walk.
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Post by zou on Dec 10, 2022 12:20:50 GMT
Attachment DeletedAs a film shooter this is both a) highly amusing, and b) deeply triggering.
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Post by dorsetmike on Dec 12, 2022 19:54:25 GMT
Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar?
He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn’t fit into the pen?
“There’s more there than meets the sty.”
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Post by MJB on Dec 12, 2022 21:49:32 GMT
My wife told me to stop pretending to be a Flamingo. I had to put my foot down,
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Post by timheath on Dec 13, 2022 7:58:12 GMT
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Post by geoffr on Dec 13, 2022 9:36:09 GMT
Martin, you do realise that you have given Mike an excuse to re-upload all his old jokes don't you?
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Post by MJB on Dec 13, 2022 9:41:47 GMT
Martin, you do realise that you have given Mike an excuse to re-upload all his old jokes don't you? I see it as our civic duty to protect the general public from them.  |
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Post by timheath on Dec 13, 2022 12:34:23 GMT
My wife is going to a fancy dress party as a Rastafarian tonight and she's asked me to do her hair.
I'm dreading it.
The wife was doing her make up last night, I told her she was drawing her eyebrows in way too high.
She looked surprised.
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Post by geoffr on Dec 13, 2022 14:25:17 GMT
They aren't getting any better are they?
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Post by zou on Dec 13, 2022 14:31:39 GMT
They aren't getting any better are they? Ah, but so long as they aren't getting worse... |
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Post by geoffr on Dec 13, 2022 15:28:27 GMT
They aren't getting any better are they? Ah, but so long as they aren't getting worse... I refuse to be drawn into that discussion |
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Post by dorsetmike on Dec 13, 2022 16:05:40 GMT
A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted up his rectum. Doctors describe his condition as stable.
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Post by willien on Dec 13, 2022 19:58:26 GMT
What do you call a man with 5 rabbits up his bum? Warren.
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Post by timheath on Dec 14, 2022 7:32:43 GMT
Joe gets bad headaches.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself...
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought,
'That's what I need... A new suit...'
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
'I'd like to try on a new suit please...'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
'Let's see now... Size 44 long should do it'
Joe laughed, 'Wow, that's right; how did you know?'
'Oh, I've been in the business 40 years sir!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure, why not.'
The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said,
'Let's see, 34" sleeve and 16 1/2" neck.'
Joe was surprised again,
'You're absolutely right, how did you guess that?'
'Been in the business 40 years sir.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove!
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure, I might as well.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'
Joe laughed,
'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head,
'No way! You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!!'
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