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Post by don on Dec 14, 2022 11:24:49 GMT
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.” |
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Post by dreampolice on Dec 14, 2022 12:04:49 GMT
In the little cafe bar in our village in Spain. I assume Navajas are in fact Razor clams and is not an indication of how dangerous the cafe is.   IMG_4380 by Nigel G, on Flickr |
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Post by squeamishossifrage on Dec 14, 2022 12:28:00 GMT
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Post by don on Dec 14, 2022 12:41:49 GMT
A tale from the wild, wild West ...
"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
He looked at the woman and laughed,
"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to"
A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing.
When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing.
The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too"
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid."
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Post by willien on Dec 14, 2022 14:24:22 GMT
a woman walked into a bar and asked for a Double Entendre. So the Barman gave her one.
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Post by zou on Dec 14, 2022 20:10:19 GMT
Why are you sure it's a mistake? |
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Post by petrochemist on Dec 14, 2022 20:54:36 GMT
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Post by timheath on Dec 15, 2022 8:01:33 GMT
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Post by Bipolar on Dec 16, 2022 14:09:23 GMT
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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Post by Bipolar on Dec 16, 2022 14:13:46 GMT
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.
The bartender asks the man what he wants, and the man dejectedly replies, “Oh, just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man, “What's wrong? Why are you so down today?”
The man said, “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”
The bartender asked, “So what's wrong with that?”
The man said, “Well, the month is up tonight.”
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Post by Bipolar on Dec 16, 2022 14:30:33 GMT
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he accelerated hard to 80 mph as he enjoyed the wind blowing through what few grey hairs remained on his head.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down road; he pushed the pedal more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper giving chase with his car's lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it, accelerating first to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
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Post by Kellen on Dec 16, 2022 17:53:15 GMT
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Post by davem399 on Dec 16, 2022 22:16:00 GMT
It’s not been a good day. I paid a carpenter to make me a bespoke double bed. It turns out he’s done a bunk, it’s just one thing on top of another.
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Post by MJB on Dec 17, 2022 9:27:34 GMT
My car broke down in the middle of nowhere last night. Luckily a passing motorist stopped to help. He was a podiatrist and knew nothing about car mechanics. He did sort a toe out for us though.
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Post by MJB on Dec 17, 2022 12:12:57 GMT
My wife decided to steal the hat that I got from the hoof trimming contractor we use. It has a cute cartoon cow on the front and 'Wessex Hoofcare' on the back. Are you going to tell her or should l? Attachment Deleted |
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